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….to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot

 

A Critical Film Analysis of ‘Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding’ (2003)

Many of you (two of you) have been asking for this blog post for a very long time (about 2 weeks). So here we go.

My love affair with this particular movie started on a rainy day in 2003. I was home from school because it was probably athletics day so my Mum let me stay home. The midday movie came on. A familiar theme played… Let’s set the mood, shall we?

Yes, this show is a joke. It’s caught somewhere between a public service announcement about water safety and a porno. I don’t know why my Mum let me to watch it endlessly on primetime when I was between the ages of 7 – 11. (She was convinced I was in constant peril from drowning and made me go to swim class every Saturday even though I hated it. So maybe watching Baywatch was for extra credit?)  Anyway, on this particular day in 2003 when I heard the theme song play, my sixteen year old self was filled with a raging nostalgia and I watched it hypnonised from start to finish. The movie remains to this day, the single greatest cinematic experience of my life.

Fast-forward to eight years later and I’m researching a blog post on Tom Selleck. I find out Mr Selleck turned down the role of Mitch Buchannon on Baywatch. My mind wanders, I potter aimlessly around on YouTube at 12.30am. I find Part 1. I lose 3 hours of my life watching it twice. I go to work. I am consumed by the hilarious storyline. If anyone stops at my desk, I tell them the entire plot in excruciating detail. Everyone thinks I like fake boobs too much.

But just because I like you, I am going to take you through the movie in the same level of excruciating detail. By no means is this a substitute for the real thing… It’s only a guide.

A Critical Film Analysis of ‘Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding’  (2003)

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding (Sometimes called Hawaiian Reunion)  comes at an interesting time for the franchise. The show’s setting had moved from California to Hawaii the season prior. This was supposed to breath life (ha! lifeguard humour!) back into the struggling show… but let’s be honest there’s only so many ways you can save someone from drowning. In the finale of Baywatch Hawaii’s first season, Mitch apparantly dies in a boating accident. Cut to the begining of  Baywatch Hawaiian Wedding:  Mitch is miriculously alive and haunted by terrible dreams rehashing the death of his one time lover, Stephanie Holden. For those of you who didn’t watch season 7 (I imagine that’s all of you), Stephanie died in a boating accident (there’s a new one) during her honeymoon on a boat called “Chance Of  A Lifetime” (oh my god the irony). So Mitch wakes suddenly from his nightmare and the viewer is in for a mindfuck and a half because Stephanie (!!!) is there, lying next to Mitch in bed comforting him.

“Wait”, says the ever astute viewer, “Didn’t we just see a flashback of that person dying ?” But then, through masterful plot progression, we discover that Mitch called the demon wearing Stephanie’s face Allison and she is supposedly a completely different person. They talk about how this has been the greatest three months of their lives and then Allison’s all worried that Mitch is only with her because she looks like his long lost love Stephanie and Mitch is all “What?! That’s crazy talk Ste-I mean Allison. I love you. And you know before, when we were in the throes of lovemaking and I called out Stephanie’s name… That never happened. Give me your hand, Stepha…Allison…” Allison’s all… “This really isn’t the time to play pull my finger Mitch” And to the surprise of no-one, Mitch proposes and the viewer feels vaguely uncomfortable as they make out for about 30 seconds too long.

The familiar drum beat starts and we move into the opening credits.

We’re on the beach with two sets of nameless boobs. One set is trying to convince the other to let her have her photoshoot for FHM on the beach… “Wait, did you say FHM” says one. (Yeah, she did, girl, like eight times…) “I love that magazine…” she continues from a pouty hole somewhere above her boobs,   “It lets us know what men are fantasising about.” “Exactly” says the other and they both stare into the camera vacantly, pleased because they have nailed that in-program product endorsement so seemlessly.

They are joined by nameless male lifeguard and Hobie, Mitch’s son who in real life has turned out to be the world’s biggest douchebag. (I have created a timeline to show his descent into douchebaggery.)

They talk about bringing Mitch out of retirement to help patrol the beach while the FHM shoot is happening. Everyone is intrigued because Mitch has been so distracted with his new lady friend but NONE of them have met her yet… not even Mitch’s own son… funny that…

Fast foward to the FHM shoot. Apparantly the ‘money shot’ is in the water but the waves are too high. Hilarious montage showing long shots of tsunami-like waves interspersed between shots of models posing on surfboard in completely flat water. No one is buying that, producers. The models start to drown in four feet of water. Mitch and the first set of boobs save the day.

Later, Mitch introduces everyone to Allison and they all seem unconcerned that she’s wearing Stephanie’s face, instead they are more preoccupied with how they can get invited to the wedding. Meanwhile, Allison casually decides that she only wants to get married if it happens on this unihabited, incredibly isolated and remote volcano island (Alarm bells anyone?!) near Oahu, Hawaii.

“Wait a second?!!” says Mitch, “Did you just say Oahu?! Why, that’s the very same place every Baywatch castmember goes when they’re written off the show! IT’S UNCANNY ISN’T IT STE- ERRR ALLISON??!!” Then he goes on and on about Pamela Anderson’s character CJ and how no man can tame her. It’s all pretty sexual but Allison, like a trooper, sits there and takes it all in blankly until the scene fades and suddenly we’re in Oahu watching CJ meditate. While she’s centering her chak-ra, the viewer is treated to a TRULY HILARIOUS AND MAGICAL slow-motion montage of CJ’s innermost thoughts, we see her whitewater rafting, playing saxophone on some rocks, running along a beach where her own boobs nearly give her a black eye and then inexplicably rolling around naked in some red satin sheets while rocking some fierce tranny like lip-liner.

Her reverie is interupted by Lani (Carmen Elektra) who reminds her how busy CJ is now she owns her own pool side grill (YOU MADE IT GIRL!) which causes CJ to start flapping her freakishly lip-lined mouth off about the universe being out of alignment (foreshadowing some kind of jiggly doom). Without any kind of exposition, they both skip off (slow-mo of course) to save a sea turtle and when they get there they run  into some Baywatch characters, class of ’92. WHAT A SMALL FUCKING WORLD YOU GUYS.

 

 

Another awkward attempt at subtle product placement – “Aren’t these suntan wipes great?!” Elsewhere Summer (Nicole Eggert) and Hobie start a jailbaity affair.

 

 

 

Next thing we know, everyone is converging on Turtle Island, Oahu for Mitch and Smellison’s wedding. The guest list comprises entirely of Mitch’s lifeguarding troupe and no one questions why there are no guests on the bride’s side. Allison probably ate them in order to steal their faces. A heartwarming reunion scene between Mitch and his friends turns sinister as the viewer is made aware that someone is taking secret happy snaps of the characters hugging it out. The smiling photos of each lifeguard are printed and stuck on a cork board. A tiny angry asian man scowls at the photo of Mitch and fires a throwing star directly at his image… Someone didn’t get invited to the wedding and isn’t taking it too well? CRAP MITCH, DID YOU NOT GET ALLISON’S ASIAN DAD’S PERMISSION WHEN YOU ASKED HER TO MARRY YOU??!!

Annoying subplot with Baywatch Hawaii characters. Your attempts to get us to emotional invested in these characters from the new series aren’t working, writers.

Cut to the arrival of Neely (I don’t remember her either) and Caroline Holden (Yasmin Bleath) hellbent on putting a stop to the wedding. Neely is still pining for Mitch after their marriage was annulled when she tricked a drunk Mitch into marrying her on an Alaskan cruise ship or something and has now convinced her friend Caroline that she truly believes (like the rest of us) that a demon has eaten Caroline’s dead sister Stephanie’s face and the marriage is a sham.

 

While Caroline and Mitch have a heart to heart, (“I lost Stephanie once, I’m not going to lose her again”) Allison and a jealous Neely have a scrag fight over Mitch’s mother’s ring  (Some brilliant dialogue writing here: “I know what a VICIOUS SLLLLLLUT you can be” “You’re a filthy pig“) and eventually they plunge hilariously head first down the world’s longest waterslide together, ripping chunks out of eachothers hair along the way.

In the ensuing fray, after Allison’s tries to strangle Neely, Neely steals Allison’s necklace. (Your self-defense mechanism is way off Neely) She asked some Baywatch Hawaii person (Guy Who’s In Every Sci Fi Show)  she’s never met before if his brother is still a cop and can run Allison’s prints. Meanwhile, Allison is all fired up and needs to swim it off. From a nearby cliff-face, two burly security types call Sato, our angry asian man-friend from before and tell him the little birdie has left the nest. Our friend Sato is a Japanese Drug Lord Terrorist Whale Hunter who Mitch crossed years before (season 2) while attempting to bring a simultaneous end to the war on drugs, terrorism, whale poaching and AIDs. Scuba suited Sato swims up to Allison in deep water and pulls her under!!! She’s done for! – and oh no, the scene cuts to the beach, where Mitch is waiting patiently for his long distance swimming lady love to return. Then, Allison emerges from the water without a stratch and starts licking Mitch’s face. They head off to get ready for their engagment party hosted by CJ. The viewer feels a sense of foreboding closing in… also a sense of Pamela Anderson’s boobs closing in.

This is due to the fact that in the next scene everyone has donned formal attire for Mitch and Allison’s pre-wedding party except for CJ, who decided that  a porno-esque diamonte bikini was occasion appropriate. (I hope you are watching on wide-screen because they cannot be contained in four by three.) Everyone is in high spirits and Allison tells Neely that she wants her to come to the UNINHABITED AND INCREDIBLY ISOLATED Volcano Island tomorrow to attend her and Mitch’s wedding. Either someone just found Jesus or shit is about to go down. I am getting goosebumps all down my arms.

The next day everyone is relaxing on the charter boat taking them over to the UNINHABITED AND INCREDIBLY ISOLATED Volcano Island. “NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND”, says the viewer, “This new character Captain Luka looks remarkably like one of those burly security types working for Sato. Can’t you scrounge up enough extras, Baywatch producer??! Oh wait…”

Meanwhile, Sato is down in the belly of the boat organising his hench men, unpacking the VIDEO equipment and reminicing about how he blames Mitch for ruining his life way back in the 90’s. (Despite the fact that Sato was breaking the law in the first place by dealing drugs, engaging in terrorist activity, spreading the AIDs virus and violating the international moratorium on commerical whaling… minor detail… )

The boat arrives at Haiku Island and everyone, safe and secure in the thought that this isn’t one of those weddings where everyone need fear for their life because the excursion has been orchestrated by a homocidal martial arts expert, decides to break into smaller more intimate groups of two.

Meanwhile back at CJ’s Bar and Grill, CJ, conscious of how busy she is now that she’s running her own pool-side bar, is back meditating. Excellent priorities you got there, Ceej! Random Hawaiian Boobs and Guy Who’s Now In Every Sci-Fi Show ask her if she’s received the expected check in phone call from Haiku island – “No, but somethings definately wrong there, I can feel it, I can SENSE it,” CJ intones. (Really? And the lack of an expected phone call didn’t tip you off at all??)

Back at the island,  Class of ’92 (Cort) and Carmen Elektra pair off and have their sexytimes under a sacred waterfall until they are interupted by Sato’s burly henchmen swimming menacingly over. One of the actors playing a henchman can barely doggy paddle and looks really out of breath. I assume he’s tired due the fact that this is 30th take because Carmen Elektra keeps falling out of her top and they have to keep the nipple shots to a minimum for this to go to air at 1 o’clock in the afternoon. There’s a poorly choreographed struggle and the henchmen eventually capture Cort and Carmen Elektra, shackling them and forcing them to tread water in a hot volcanic cove (where the tide is rising). Perched on a rock, framing the scene is a camera on a tripod, filming the whole thing. (MOVIE WITHIN A MOVIE, HOW POST-MODERN)

Other Forgotten Old Castmember (Class of 92, Eddy) and Yasmin Bleath are trekking to a more secluded beach and for some unexplained reason Yasmin suddenly has a massive lisp. The henchmen don’t take to kindly to unexplained spontaneous speech impediments so they kidnap these guys too. The henchmen scuba suit up and take them deep underwater,  handcuffing them both inside some weird half submerged submarine cell. The henchmen unscrews some bolts and the cell starts to fill slowly with water. Wave to the camera filming your slow demise guys!

Meanwhile Summer (Nicole Eggert) and her douchebaggity piece of jailbait Hobie are doing the nasty on the sand of a secluded beach. Sato and two of his backup dancers arrive to peg a fishing net over the two lovers so they drown in the rising tide … (the writers are clearly running out of simultaneous drowning scenarios) “This won’t work Sato, my Dad will find us,” says an impassioned Hobie. “I’m counting on it,” retorts Sato, “Its just a question whether he find you alive or not” OHH BURN! Hobie questions Sato’s insatiable desire for revenge and apparantly when Mitch turned him in to the authorities in 1992 for being a Japanese Drug Lord Terrorist Whale Hunter, Sato lost custody of his son. This meant his son was never initiated into the family business (running a drug cartel to fund terrorist activities in order to bring an end to the whale species). To punish Mitch, Sato is filming the watery death of his son and closest friends. Win for prison rehabilitation programs?

Meanwhile back at the resort, Guy Who’s Now In Every Sci-Fi Show finally hears back from his detective brother who was running Allison’s fingy prints. Turns out Allison is actually someone called Judy Raydon who served time for assault and forgery and then had plastic surgery to look like Stephanie Holden in order to seduce Mitch. OF COURSE, PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MITCH’S DEAD EX-LOVER!? And all that in a fingerprint. IT’S SO SIMPLE YET OH SO DASTEDLY.  (Just in case, the viewer doesn’t understand, they repeat this information at least 5 times in the next 2 minutes) He calls Neely and tells her over sateillite phone which immediately goes dead after the call. Neely finds Mitch going over his wedding vows on the beach and tries to explain that Allison is just barren Octomom, but he won’t hear of it. She pleads with him and tells him she knows Allison has a plastic face cause she could feel the scars behind her ears. Some annoying Baywatch Hawaii characters (as yet unkidnapped) find Neely and Mitch having angry words on the sand. “Why Mitch, what are you doing here? We just saw Allison and some guy we thought was you smooching near the Banyans Trees…” Mitch, with a look that is part fear and part contipation, journeys into the banyan forest to find a guilty looking Allison. He makes a show of adjusting her floral garland but really is just copping a feel behind her scarry ears.  He confronts her and tries to make sense of why she has a plastic face. She snaps hilariously from sweetly pleading her innocence to steely eyed psychosis: “You thought our meeting was some grand karmic intervention so you could recapture the lost love of your life.” “Why would you do that?!” says Mitch, his heart breaking. “You’ll have to ask my partner” replies Stephanie with chilling malice. AND THEN SATO, JUMPS ON TOP OF MITCH FROM ABOVE!!!! “IT’S ME BEACH BOY!” (Excellent catch-phrase Sato, I think you should trademark it…)

They fight unconvincingly and Sato ties Mitch up to show him the live video feed of his friends drowning. Mitch is all “take meeee, torture meeee” Oh simple Mitch, you don’t get it do you? Well, Sato is about to enlighten you. “This is what I want to do to you, I want you to live with the torment that the ones you loved died because of you, because of what you did to me” Never one to shy away from a lifesaving challenge, Mitch reminds Sato, “None of this works unless you give me a chance to save them!” Sato thinks about it for all of one second and decides, EVER SO WISELY, that there’s no way Mitch’s lifeguarding prowess can save all his friends from this particular pickle and LETS HIM GO. Mitch immediately springs into action.

There is a dramatic and improbable simultaneous triple rescue, with a hilarious soundtrack that truly needs to be watched to be believed (Part 9). Sato and Mitch do final battle, which Mitch eventually “takes to the water” so he’ll have the advantage and sees to it that Sato is eaten by a boat propeller.

 

The movie ends with a completely jarring and light-hearted narration by Mitch, “We came to Hawaii for a wedding and CJ wasn’t about to let us go home without one…” Everyone has paired off and has blissfully forgotten that they all nearly died at the hands of a violent and vengeful psychopath.

I ASK YOU WORLD, WHERE IS THEIR GOLDEN GLOBE???

 

 

Camilla navigates the treacherous waters of online Christmas gift giving

I gave myself a challenge this year: Complete all my Christmas shopping without ever having to set foot in a shopping centre. Well,that didn’t go entirely to plan. All I seem to come across are the kind of gifts I would give to someone if I hated them and didn’t want to waste wrapping paper dressing up one of my own freshly laid turds.

Let’s review:

 

 

1. Sneezing Tissue Box – $24.95

Nothing says Merry Christmas like “I bought you this novalty tissue box that mocks you when you’re full of snot and feeling sorry for yourself.” It has a motion detector that registers when you take a tissue and emits 6 different sneezing sounds. WHAT A LARK. I ALREADY FEEL BETTER AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD A COLD. Wow, laughter truly is the best medicine. Buy Me!

 

 

 

 

2. Automatic Stirring Beverage Mug – $29.95

Well, this is a pickle. I seem to be all out of spoons. Also, years and years of daily stirring has crippled my stirring wrist with tea drinkers RSI. I need a mug that caters to my unique needs. And I need it just in time for Christmas. Buy Me!

 

 

 


3.Reloading Tomato Sauce Gun – $39.95

Hands in the air, you have the right to remain festive and smothered in condiments…

(That poor hotdog never saw me coming.)

Buy me!

 

 

 


 

4.Water Bottle Spray Fan – $12

The only weapon that has gone up against the Reloading Tomato Sauce Gun and won. Perhaps because  the shooter kept a cool head….

Buy Me!

 

 

 

 

 

5. Duct Tape Tie – 24.95

What do you get for the guy who was has everything, including deplorable dress sense? This ugly tie. It’s the magic of Christmas.

Buy me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Guitar Shaped Fan – $69

I wanted my family and friends to stay cool, but not that cool, guitar fan.

Buy Me

 

 

 

 

7. Humunga Lips Doggie Fetch Toy – $13

I don’t have a dog but if I did, I can see how this would be funny… but also kind of sexy. Which is troubling. Buy me!

 

 

 

 

 

8. Drinking Straw Glasses – $12.95

Excellent if you like taking in your liquids while posing front of the mirror and giggling.

Buy this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Soap That Ressembles Poo – $9.95

Great for those frequently entertaining houseguests.

What a terrible idea but buy me? Or me?

 

 

 

 

 

(Secretly I want all these things…)

Posted in what a world | 2 Comments

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Yesterday, Ben, Rexy and I went on an adventure up in the hills around Yarragon to find (read: illegally cut down from the side of the road and feel immediate remorse) a Christmas Tree.

Karma didn’t waste any time letting us learn the error of our ways. As well as being incredibly lop sided and full of spiders, Ben is now allergic to the fir tree currently residing in his livingroom.

The whole situation has made me think about alternatives to the traditional Christmas tree. And it put me in mind of the tree we made in Montréal in 2008. I had taken possession of a witch’s hat (orange traffic cone for my non-Australian friends out there) one night on a drunken walk home. It had lived in our living room permanently for at least 3 months before we thought to repurpose it. We also had a ridiculous amount of coloured paper clips, a large bag of starbursts, an unused foil cake tin and a long silver streamer I had pocketed as a souvenir from the time I saw the Little Mermaid musical in New York. (I’m pretty sure that the show Hoarders is based solely on my life.) We also had some poster card and green paint left over from some other wacky craft project and a wee orange british man-cat helper.

Anyway, it was pretty cool and Scorsese made it into a short film. Here it is below:

 

Pho-king Pho-ntastic

On Sunday, Georgia and Evan took us to Mekong on Swanston St to lose our Pho-ginity. Pho-rankly, pho is pho-illing so I don’t believe that Bill Clinton did knock back two bowls at this particular establishment as the signage claims. And I don’t like liars. But I like pho. It’s a confusing time for me.

Anyway, here are some happy snaps from the whole slippery, splashy, noodles in my hair ordeal.

I especially enjoyed the free thermos of tea on all the tables. Although, to bastardise the Simpson’s… You call that a thermos full of tea? This is a thermos full of tea:

(Also a fine lookin’ plant!)

Barbie told little girls all over the world, they could be anything… ANYTHING

In 2010, Mattel launched a global ad campaign to remind little girls (and bigger girls too) about the brand promise of Barbie: POSSIBILITY! When it comes down to it, all every little girl wants is to be a big girl. And for them, Barbie acts as a tool for aspirational self-imagining and empowerment. (As long as you’re not fat…)

Here’s the ad in question – notice old wrinkly people, but no fatties.

With 125 careers and counting, I thought it would be interesting for our purposes to look over some of Barbie’s less than steller vocational highlights.

 

 

1. Pooper Scooper Barbie

After a brief stint as the Ambassador for World Peace, Babs’ decided she needed more of a challenge, so she pursued poo shovelling professionally and found she had an aptitude for it. She gave a sense of hope to many millions of starry-eyed little girls, that one day, they could go to university and there, if they applied themselves, could leave seven years later with an applied doctorate in pooper scooper.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Penal Penpal Barbie

Taking a well earned break between the Marine Corps and being a Viking princess, Barbie began to take an interest in the art of letter writing. She wrote many letters (mostly to Santa) but never got any responses until she stumbled on www.convictmailbag.com.

A dance is often credited with bringing Barbie and Ken together but they actually first made contact as penpals when Ken was serving time for gang related offences.

 

 

 

 

3. Wheelchair Bound Barbie

Barbie had surgery in order to be able to bend at the knees and safety test wheelchairs for the disabled. In an ironic twist of fate, Barbie sustained a long lasting injury from the surgery, performed, she realised all to late, by an unscrupulous and unlicensed surgeon. They never did catch that guy.

 

 

 

 

4. Clean The Grease Traps Barbie

Strapped for cash between that Paleontologist gig falling through and realising a career in firefighting was just a return to the stripper pole in uncomfortable pants, Barbie let Midge talk her into taking a job as a McDonald’s cashier. At the same time, she was also trying to get her fledging babysitting business off the ground and the assistant manager didn’t take too kindly to Barbie bringing her charges with her to work.

 

 

 

 

5. Baby Photographer Barbie

Not content with taking photos of older children and adults or the restrictive world of travel, landscapes, food and pet photography, Barbie decided to express herself solely through the medium of babies. She idolised Anne Geddes and wrote her many fan letters. Though she never received a reply from her hero, the activity reignited her love for letter writing and she got back into contact with Ken. He had finished up his prison sentence some years before and after a brief spell in the medical field was having trouble finding work. So, Barbie took him on as a student photographer. Their love blossomed from there.

 

 

 

 

6. American and Canadian Idol Barbie

After she ran for president in 2008, Barbie’s popularity was at an all time high. Not as high as the guy who actually won, but still pretty high. In order to ensure people continued to take her seriously, a trusted advisor suggested she simultanenously audition for both American Idol and Canadian Idol.

It was a bad move politically.

 

 

 

7. Nudist Barbie

Sick of him trying to control her, Barbie decided to end things with Ken in 2004. In an attempt to reclaim her freedom, she joined a nudist community. She found it hard to fit in with her fellow naturalists, who resented her complete lack of genitalia. Most of the time, Babs hung out in her Hot Tub Party Bus with Midge and her caramel friend. Barbie eventually left the community when she was drafted to the Olympic Women’s Soccer Team.

 

 

 

 

 

8. Bikini Waxer Barbie

Blessed with a natural hairlessness, Barbie wanted others to experience the joys of freshly mown grass.

She attracted a devoted male clientele, some of them amorous, who confused her delicate touch for something more. It all became too much one day and she escaped underwater.

 

 

 

9. Bridget Jones Audition Barbie

In 2000, Barbie auditioned for the title role of Bridget Jones in the screen adaption of Bridget Jones’ Diary. The producers whittled the group of hopefuls down to two, Barbie and Renée Zellweger. Barbie, a student of method acting, painted her legs white and wore dorky woollen Christmas jumpers to get deep into the characters psyche.

The producers offered Barbie the role, but the chemicals in the paint covering her legs were absorbed into her bloodstream and left her with lead poisoning. A long spell in hospital saw her unable to take on the role of Bridget due to scheduling conflicts. But every cloud has a silver lining. While in recovery, she observed her carers intently and this was enough to ensure her admission to the medical board.

 

 

 

10. Astronaut Barbie

By far, the lowest point in her career to date. Barbie was tricked into becoming an astronaut by some creepy man with an oversized earring. They never did catch that guy.

(Ok fine, you got me. I just liked the picture and tried to work it in)

 

 

 

Happy travels across the internet people!

say hello to my little friend

Today in my North Melbourne travels I made a new friend, Charlie*, who truly encompasses the word ‘spontrepreneurial’ (Equally spontaneous and entrepreneurial, an excellent word that I certainly didn’t just make up.) What you can’t see in this photo is the queue winding round the corner to get a taste of his super famous old fashioned lemonade recipe. Some cute girl in the line had come all the way from Brighton, Victoria just to whet her whistle.

I asked Charlie* if I could know the recipe and after I had tricked him into telling me, I told him I was going to steal it, patent it and make squillions. He said that was fine he would look the other way if I bought him a helicopter and a $300 Smiggle voucher. I said that’s a lot of stationary – what does a boy like you need with all those different shaped erasers? He said I wouldn’t understand. At this point, our words got a little heated and we both said things we didn’t mean… (Charlie if you’re reading this, those shorts are actually awesome and the nautical look is totally in and I’m sure your Mum isn’t lying when she says she’s going to take you to Movie World next year.)

Anyway, here’s that recipe†

CHARLIE’S OLD FASHIONED LEMONADE

Ingredients

  • 6 lemons
  • 1 cup white sugar
  • 6 cups cold water

Directions

  1. Juice the lemons to make 1 cup of juice. To make your labour easier, FIRMLY roll the lemons between your hand and counter top before cutting in half and juicing.
  2. In a gallon pitcher combine 1 cup lemon juice, 1 cup sugar, and 6 cups cold water. Stir. Adjust water to taste. Chill and serve over ice.
  3. Camilla’s top tip: Keep adding the hooch until it tastes like nail polish remover.

At this point, his mother rapped on the window and told him to come inside.

* May not actually be his name
† May not actually be the recipe

redneck rollercoasters and other adventures across the internet

In what was the biggest anti climax since the first time I saw balls, the jumping castle blower died at my secret ladies jumping castle picnic party. We were all inside but thankfully everyone got out with their lives. I didn’t know whether I was going to make it, especially since I had to also evacuate the plate of cucumber sandwiches.

Here’s some photos of the old girl being used (that one other time) in happier times:

Everyone looks so damn cute and youthful!

Then four years later: disaster!

Anyway, it got me thinking about things that people try to make happen in their suburban backyard.

This guy, Ron built an amazing waterslide from his roof while the his parents were on holiday. Then his feats of engineering genius got so much media coverage, his parents found out and came home early to ground him.

John Ivers in Indiana, created this backyard rollercoaster called The Blue Flash. It trumps all the other ghetto coasters on the internet cause it has a loop-di-loop. You can contact him and he lets you ride it for free, then afterwards his wifey gives you milk and cookies. Look, I’ll be honest… reviews of her cookies aren’t glowing.

Then we entered the magical world of the juiced up slip n’ slide. My personal favourite is this one because it marries together beautifully a loop-di-loop and the very real prospect of being squashed by a fat man. Isn’t that everyone’s fantasy?

AND FINALLY, most of the amazing treehouses I found on my intergooglatic journey across the internet today belong in the gardens of palaces. This one isn’t and is built by some guy called Peter who never forgave his mother for making him become an accountant.

 

Poorly timed releases of movies about the same thing and how this relates to mini golf

It’s kind of weird, don’t you think, that directly after Black Swan, we had both the female leads (Portman and Kunis) star in different movies with exactly the same plot (No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits).

Why oh why does Hollywood keep letting this happen… Case in point:

  • The Truman Show/EdTV (1998/99)
  • The Illusionist/The Prestige (both 2006)
  • Antz/A Bug’s Life (both 1998)
  • Deep Impact/Armageddon (both 1998)
  • Green Hornet/Green Lantern (both 2011)
  • Finding Nemo/Shark Tale (2003/4)
  • The Blind Side/Precious (both 2009)

…Get your shit together, American film industry.

Also adding to the weirdness of the No Strings Attached/Friends With Benefits debacle, the actress (Kunis) from one movie and the actor from the other (Kutcher) used to play characters who used to date eachother on that show… set in the 70’s… shit, what was that show called?! Anyway, I know, its a lot to take in, so I made a chart. (Not for you, more for me, I like charts)

It all just got too weird and so I had to watch both of them one after the other on this lazy Sunday afternoon to decide who did it best.

VERDICT: I’m going to give this one to Natalie. Natalie wins because in her movie, she and Ashton go to a truly amazing Disneyland-esque MINI GOLF course that, for about 2 hours I convinced myself, was actually Disneyland.

Then I actually looked into it and found out that the course in No Strings Attached was Sherman Oaks Castle Park

And after that, I went on a complete google-bender to compile a list of the WORLD’S GREATEST MINI GOLF COURSES.

Here you go, friends!

1. Par King Skills Golf, Illinois, USA

An awesome pink castle and the course highlight is a real working rollercoaster for you to putt through.

2. Around The World In 18 Holes, Lake George, USA

There are two featured courses here Around The World (we travel to Japan, Holland, France and then things get awfully political in Russia) and Around The USA (featuring the scariest looking Maine lobster I’ve ever seen and a Texas oil rig inspired hole)

3. Dino Park, Phuket, Thailand

I feel physically ill at the thought, Ben and I wasted our one full day in Phuket visiting a frickin’ butterfly park when this was on offer. The course even features dino turd obstacles. Hold me.

4. Hawaiian Rumble, Mytle Beach, South Carolina

According to their website which may or may not have been made in 1995, Hawaiian Rumble represents a Hawaiian Oasis and is home to US ProTour, the US Masters and US Open. The course is designed around a giant volcano structure which ‘erupts’ periodically to the awe and deeeeeeeelight of visitors. I’m not going to lie, I pretty much want to have this place’s babies.

5. May Day Mini Golf, Mytle Beach, South Carolina


Geez, Mytle Beach, South Carolina way to have the monopoly on fun! If you want to live out your Lost fantasies, May Day Golf, is built around the theme of a crashed airplane. Remarkably, passengers and golf clubs are all unharmed by the crash. So everyone gets their MG on while they wait to be rescued. Maybe I don’t want to be rescued?

6. Ahlgrim Acres, Illinois, USA

This 35 year old 9-hole mini golf course is located in the basement of a funeral home in suburban Chicago, with wacky obstacles such as coffins and headstones… As part of their funeral package, all guests can play a free round of miniature golf and most people do apparantly.

7. Goofy Golf, Florida, USA

It takes a special kind of brilliance to come up with a hole that allows you to hit Buddah in the crotch with a golf ball while T-Rex watches on.

8. Lexington Ice Centre Mini Gold, Kentucky, USA

Want more Jesus with your putt putt? Hello Lexington Ice Centre. Three courses: Course one kicks it OT style, course two is all about the New Testament and course 3 is themed ‘miracles’

9. Adventure Golf and Raceway, Colorado, USA

I really like the talking skeletons. I told you advertising works.

10. Glow Golf, Docklands, Australia

The only place on this list I have visited personally and also the only indoor course. This isn’t your everyday cotton dress, sunday school picnic, vanilla flavour, white bread mini golf course. This is sexy and black-lit and takes you on a sexy black-lit whirlwind tour of our many famous Australian landmarks. Go there, have Dippin Dots after and just don’t ride that ugly wheel.

Posted in what a world | 7 Comments

Tom Selleck, be my forever lover….

Recently, Ben, of bensmithett.com (perhaps you’ve heard of him, he’s kind of a big deal) decided to take part in Movember and there’s been a lot of discussion regarding what kind of crumb catching, soup straining, cookie dusting, nose tickler would grace his face.

And by discussion I mean, I decided he would be growing the Tom Selleck.

I don’t know what it is about Tom Selleck… (Perhaps 3400+ viewings of Three Men and a Little Lady could do it) but I have a weird old man lust for him that I just can’t shake.

Luckily, the internet is a rich wonderland of Selleck. I started googling and I didn’t surface for hours. (Seriously, its 1am on a school night…)

Here’s just a delicious taste!

1. He has a sexy avocado farm  (http://teamcoco.com/video/tom-selleck-sexy-avocado) next door to Ellen.

2. He passed on the title role in the first Indiana Jones movies. (I hated those movies, how did you know Tom?)

3. He also passed on the role of Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff’s character) in Baywatch, cause he didn’t want to be a sex symbol (TOO BAD, you can’t run from fate)

4. There’s this little beauty which I’m sure you are aware: http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/

5. Upside Down Face Tom

 

6. Annnnnd someone made a Tom Selleck cake with chest hair made of sprinkles. (Why didn’t I think of that?!)

 

 

7. Selleck and Guttenburg have confirmed “Three Men and a Bride” is in development…

8. Errrrr whah? Tom Selleck is on the NRA board of directors?! …Keep calm and look at the cake, Camilla.

9. The man has a voice like honey, even when spewing garbage.

So… A very comprehensive list.

If you would like to contribute to Ben’s Movember campaign, click here.

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